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  Macbeth

  by William Shakespeare

  @BigMAC

  Battle went well! Cut mothafuckas from the nave to the chops! Neither bade farewell nor shook hands. WORD UP! REPRESENT!

  Away to home now with my homeboy Banquo. I shall be in Inverness in time for haggis.

  ZOUNDS! OLD HAGS SAY I SHALL BE KING AND SHITE. THEN I TOTALLY BECAME THANE OF CAWDOR!

  Playing it cool, but I am suddenly filled with a deep ambition. ʼTis bad news.

  Home now. Lady Macbeth hot over coming power/my nads. She wants to kill Duncan TONIGHT. Canʼt tell if sheʼs serious or just into dirty-talk.

  She was serious. Women, LOL.

  Things do move so fast! The official tweets of we, the King of Scotland. Yet I fear Banquo knows my terrible secret.

  Royal banquet tonight! All commanded to come! I especially look forward to seeing my dear friend Banquo! Hope you make it cosʼ!!

  Banquo seems to have died in the forest. Oh well!

  Everyone is leaving the party!! What? WHAT ? Does no one else see BLEEDING GODDAMN BANQUO AT THE TABLE?

  Iʼm trying to sleep. Will someone please shut this wino up? Iʼm the king goddamn it, canʼt I get a reliable porter? Seriously.

  Old Hags say Macbeth is killed by no man of woman born. Relieved. The Terminator not invented yet.

  My enemies and their families keep dying randomly! This is beginning to get out of hand. Nah, my wife is definitely right about this.

  Maybe not. Wife is having midlife crisis or woman troubles. Bitch is nuts.

  @LadyMac: THEREʼS NOTHING ON YOUR HANDS, YOUʼVE WASHED THEM 100 TIMES ALREADY!!

  People found out about the whole murder thing; theyʼre all pissed. I say everyone must chill out and stop blowing shit out of proportion.

  Armies moving against me, Queenʼs dead. Life is nothing but a lone poster, tweeting his time upon the stage and then he tweets no more!

  Hah! Macduff thinks he can kill me!

  Shit. ʻC-Sectionʼ is not ʻof woman bornʼ? What kind of king dies on a goddamn technicality?

  The Hobbit

  by J. R. R. Tolkien

  @BilboBanginʼ

  The Shire is so BORING. Boring boring boring. Plus all the chicks are so short!

  This old dude wants me to throw a party for some dwarves. Couldnʼt hurt. Plus, Iʼm gonna get WASTED.

  Last time I drank so much I woke up still in the tavern . . . keeperʼs wife! ZING!

  Crap. I seem to have been fandangled into a daring adventure to some mountain. Do I have to?

  Walking walking walking . . .

  Still walking - this is so boring!

  Stopped and ate at Elf City. Must everyone ALWAYS ask me if I have a normal-sized penis? Do elves have normal sized ears? No. STFU.

  Walking . . .

  Oh shit! This Hobbit is on crack and he has a magic ring that makes you INVISIBLE!

  Got the ring. Man that guy was crazy! Probably not connected to this sweet magic ring, right?

  Walking some more. Do these dwarves never get tired of walking? At least Iʼve got this, pretty, precious, sweet . . . wonderful, amazing ring.

  Waaaalllllkkkiiiiinnn! Oh, wait. Stopped to eat.

  Eating a sandwich - really good.

  Taking a shit - really good.

  Goddamn it. Weʼre walking again. Deep forests. Endless mountains. Bad reception.

  First, let me tell you about the sky . . . and then the tree line . . . and then the rocks . . . and then the ground . . . zzzz.

  Walking still.

  Eating again.

  OH SHIT A HUGE BATTLE! IF ONLY THIS HAD HAPPENED EARLIER I WOULDNʼT HAVE BEEN SO FUCKING BORED!

  A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

  by James Joyce

  @Bildungsroman

  Iʼm a young child now. Isnʼt that obvious from all my nursery rhymes? Tralalalalalala.

  Parents arguing at the table. Dadʼs one stubborn bastard. But I got a cool uncle. Nobody rebels against cool uncles.

  Iʼm a bit older now. All I do is read books. School blows, kids are such assholes. They mock me for loving Byron.

  You know what makes a girl hot? White, white hands. God how I love hands. Even the schoolmasterʼs hands comfort me.

  I just want to be a poet! WONʼT THEY LEAVE ME ALONE!??!

  The director is giving me special attention. Iʼm a special kid. Special as in unique and sharp, not retarded.

  At a Jesuit retreat. Total yawn. If I hear about Hellʼs infinitely widening mouth or eternal grains of sand again Iʼm gonna eat a gun.

  So hard. Trying to combat religious influences. Struggling profoundly. Seems this duality will torment me. Forever.

  Iʼm in college. Cool. But I live at home with mom. That doesnʼt make me a tool, does it?

  Nah, Iʼm totally cool. Look, Iʼve got this cool tweed hat. Yeah, Iʼm cool. Totally.

  All grown men still get bathed by their mothers, right? Come on. What am I supposed to do about those hard-to-reach places?

  INSPIRATION! Time to write a poem. Have to go to school. Physics requirement completely killing me.

  Iʼm on a walk with my friends. Goddamn, this walk is so long, its like, two chapters long.

  I see a woman I have known for a while. Iʼm in love.

  Poetry fills each corner of crafted consequence buried deeply in memory and deeply buried in gentle life with each thought lent to eternity.

  Iʼm glad this whole narrative thing is coming so naturally, and didnʼt take a decade of work and drink and poverty.

  Writing is pretty awesome, isnʼt it? Plus chicks dig writers. And Iʼm a writer. Yeah.

  The Great Gatsby

  by F. Scott Fitzgerald

  @West-Egg

  Got the new place today - kind of small, but great view! Not that Iʼm judging anything . . .

  Visiting Daisy and her douchebag husband. Theyʼre happy but her superficiality and his stubbornness are all that is wrong with rich America.

  Tom is totally having an affair and EVERYBODY knows it. Open your eyes bitch . . .

  Some dude is standing on the bay with his arms up looking at a symbolic light. The Midwest didnʼt have so many metaphors! What a CREEP!

  NEVER MIND! THIS GUY KNOWS HOW TO PAAARRRR-TTTTYYYY!! Quick: Gatsbyʼs house!!! Txt for directions!

  Sorry I havenʼt updated more; between my lady friend and the G-Money, I hardly have time! Did you know he got a medal from little Montenegro?

  BFF Gatsby and I going to town today - should be fun! Wants me to meet his friends . . .

  The World Series is fixed. Every year. Donʼt money and power come honestly in this country???

  Gatsby wants to meet Daisy. Weird. Oh well - no reason more friends canʼt kick it.

  Oh shit. This is a lot heavier than I expected. Why do these people keep sleeping with everyone? Keep it simple - thatʼs what I say!

  Going downtown for the day - it is so hot out!!

  Everyone is yelling and fighting, itʼs very confusing. And it is hot! I feel like I have nothing to do with any of this!!!

  Two bad drivers met. :O

  Gatsby is so emo. Who cries about his girlfriend while eating breakfast . . . IN THE POOL?

  For that matter, who gets shot in the pool? Gatsby and the American Dream are dead.

  Iʼll be back in the Midwest next week - New York is nothing but one giant display of the sad and cyclical nature of the past!!

  The Iliad

  by Homer

  @RageAgainstTheAchaean

  Pissed. I am so, so very pissed.

  First I have to go to this beach. Then I have to kill all these dudes. And NOW - now! This prick stole my biscuit. Who does that?

  Canʼt resolve this problem on my own - calling Mom!

  Watchinʼ all my dudes dyinʼ without my help. LOL.

  Mom unable to resolve problem for me with the big fish.

  WHY DOES NOBODY UNDERSTAND ME????? Only Patroclus, my . . . cousin, understands me!

  Sittinʼ
on the beach playing sad songs. Oh, my tortured soul. ʻJust sittinʼ on the beach of the Aegean, wastinʼ tiiimmmmeeee . . .ʼ

  Hey, just noticed thereʼs a million crows flying over me.

  I AM SO ANGRY.

  Odysseus and Phoenix came to talk sense into me. Had a tantrum. Phoenix, isnʼt that a cool name? I wouldnʼt fuck with a guy named Phoenix.

  Still wonʼt fight. Iʼll show them! The Gods wonʼt even LET THEM win until I fight! One day weʼre going to look back on this and laugh.

  Wait, whereʼd my armor go?

  PATROCLUS!!!!! This is BULLSHIT, my . . . cousin is dead and I am SO ANGRY. I JUST FEEL LIKE DESECRATING A TEMPLE.

  Brb, need to go wrestle a river god.

  Watch Hector run. Going around the walls of Troy, what a tool. Doesnʼt anybody believe in prophecies nowadays??

  PWNT. Dragginʼ Hectorʼs corpse around the city. TOTALLY AWESOME!

  Took the body back to camp - not decaying. His old man wants it back - canʼt decide whether to give it up. Can I phone a friend???

  Hamlet

  by William Shakespeare

  @OedipusGothplex

  My royal father gone and nobody seems to care.

  Mom says to stop wearing black.

  STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME. I wonʼt conform! I wish my skin would just . . . melt.

  Iʼm too sad to notice that Opheliaʼs so sexy and fine. And mother also looks rather fair despite all her struggles.

  AN APPARITION! This shit just got HEAVY. Apparently people donʼt accidentally fall on bottles of poison.

  Why is Claudius telling me what to do again? YOUʼRE NOT MY REAL DAD! In fact you killed my real dad. :(

  2bornt2b? Can one tweet beyond the mortal coil?

  I wrote a play. I hope everyone comes tonight! 7pm! Tickets are free w/ great sense of irony.

  Uncle just confessed to Dadʼs murder.

  I had a knife to that fat asshole but bitched out. Now heʼs alive and still taking to bed with that beautiful wo—. . . er, my mother.

  Gonna try to talk some sense into Mom because boyfriend totally killed Dad. I sense this is the moment of truth, the moment of candor and -

  WTF IS POLONIUS DOING BEHIND THE CURTAIN???

  I just killed my girlfriendʼs dad. Does this mean I canʼt hit that?

  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are here, up to their shenanigans. YAWN.

  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. Anyone miss them? Didnʼt think so.

  The gravediggerʼs comic speech isnʼt funny at all. Itʼs heavy and meaningful. I am so borrredddd.

  Ophelia just pulled a Virginia Woolf. Funeral is on the way.

  Laertes is unhappy that I killed his father and sister. What a drama queen! Oh well, fight this evening.

  Anybody want a drink? Uh-oh. That went poorly.

  @PeopleofDenmark: Donʼt worry. Fortinbras will take care of thee. Peace.

  The Overcoat

  by Nikolai Gogol

  @StaticBureaucracy

  Does anyone ever notice how it doesnʼt matter where you work; what matters is that itʼs crap?

  I donʼt get paid enough. Nobody pays attention to me. And today was my birthday. Anybody even following my tweets?

  Ach! Nobody told me St Petersburg was so cold. Good thing I have this trusty old coat.

  I look like a homeless man in my coat. Arenʼt triple rehemmed lapels and molding leather tails cool anymore? Seriously.

  This morning I walked out on/bumped into someone on/ got food on/entered a store on/made incessant references to Nevsky Prospect.

  Alas, itʼs time for a new coat. Iʼm so static and terribly afraid of change, this could unwind my whole world!!

  Saving for the coat will be a soul-crushing experience. Iʼm not allowed to eat 5/7 days.

  Finally got my new threads today. Took it to work, I look Superfly. Iʼm not a gnat on a wall anymore, Iʼm Akaky ʻBig Pimpinʼʼ Akakyevitch.

  Seriously, check out pics on my Flickr. This coat is so money, it doesnʼt even know how money it is.

  Going to a party, canʼt wait to walk in all stately and proper with my new overcoat.

  HOLY SHIT LET GO OF MY COAT!!!

  OMG my coat is gone. Everything is ruined.
  Iʼm sick. The doctor says Iʼll be ʻkaputʼ soon.

  @BEYOND THE GRAVE

  Iʼm dead and everyoneʼs forgotten me, even those who have my coat. Itʼs as though I never lived at all.

  Iʼm a ghost. Will take my revenge and try to find my coat. Terrorize da po-po. They ainʼt got nothinʼ on me. Now where is my goddamn coat?

  Secret Ops. Hit up the old mansion in an hour if anyone wants to help me rob this rich dude.

  SUCCESS! Got his coat! Look at his face, heʼs totally shitting himself. LOL, Pwnd.

  I feel so detached from my old self, as though Iʼm just a fraction of who I used to be.

  I suppose I have what I want now, itʼs time to rest. If anyone sees my coat, tweet it.

  The Old Man and the Sea

  by Ernest Hemingway

  @I_swear_I_donʼt_have_a_gun

  Forty days since I have caught a fish. And . . .

  The boy brings me the paper. We talk about baseball. I <3 DiMaggio.

  I am a strange old man. Perhaps I will grow a beard.

  I may have caught the big one.

  It is pulling hard. The coast is far away. May be home late.

  Still being pulled.

  Still being pulled!

  H.rd to ʼet a sig--l out here. Dead zone. Dd t_is get thru?

  The fish is a noble fish but I believe I have got him.

  I have caught the fish, and he is grand

  And I am bringing him back. Wait until you see this

  And he is too big for the boat so I will have to pull him

  And DiMaggio DiMaggio

  And the sharks are coming

  and they are eating the fish

  and I have returned to Cuba and I have nothing to show

  and the struggle has been valiant but I am unchanged (except this beard I have grown)

  and what can be said of my solitude for though it was everything it came to nothing

  Hmm. Perhaps this is a metaphor, perhaps this is life.

  Perhaps I should kill myself one day.